I was busy scurry around the night you were brought to us. There were so many things to prepare for after the one call and our one answer “yes, our home is open for him” and then in a blink of an eye everything that seemed to be normal has now disappeared.
I ran around our small home in full speed motion going thru my:
Will we be able to help you?
Is this the right time for you and me?
Am I ready for this journey, again?
I was so busy making sure everything was ready reviewing my checklist and re checking again and again. At some point I seriously couldn’t check the list anymore! Sal and I both sat waiting on the coach thinking about you and wondering who you are, what you looked like and how small you would be? You arrived late in the evening at 10p curled up in a tiny ball, sleepy and quietly breathing. We hold you and sigh… you are so fragile and so tiny.
I hold you close and look at your eyes, nose, mouth, so incredibly small and I think about how you got here. You were born in unusual circumstances, your journey already has been challenging and you are still in survival mode. My intuition says you are meant to be here but for how long we will not know..
The next morning, I move slowly and we move through the early hours with intentional motion. We have a lot of work ahead of us and our journey has begun.
The first few days are shaky at best, you are starving and gulp the formula so fast, and the amount you eat is shocking. I am in disbelief that you can eat so much at 14 days old how can you reach 32 oz in one single day?
I watch you dream and sleep, I see the scowl on your face and I think soon that scowl will disappear because I will show you the good in life that is awaiting you. I think about the next few weeks and I know hard work is ahead of us and my premonition is right, you cry all day and night. I remind myself over and over it’s part of the process, you must work it out, we will never really know what is in your system. All I need to do is figure out how to trust and surrender to the process.
That is my challenge.
Just arriving here you have already changed me.
I sit with you in the quietness of the nursery, rocking you in my arms and taking all of you in and with that I draw strength from you. I stare at your beautiful face and realize I can’t try to figure out the process I must be present and allow.
Slowly our neighbors and friends arrive to meet you and welcome you. I am thankful for the community and the greetings of love and encouragement. I feel the strength in numbers and I hold my head slightly higher that week.
In the quiet of the early morning I am feeding you and slowly your tiny hand finds my finger and you hold it. It is at the very moment I know you understand. I breathe out and so do you, I smile and tell you thank you for letting me know we can move together on this journey.
I know this is something I can do.
One day you are upset: no bottle, no coos, no sleep, no diaper change will resolve your cry. I gather you in my arms and put your face in the crook of my neck and I whisper “it’s okay I am here I will not let you down, you are safe and all will be well”. We sit together like that for a while and soon you relax and lift up your head to gaze at the serene environment we have created for you. I watch you take it all in sounds, smells sights around you.
Things are changing…you are becoming.
Night comes again and the house is quiet and we are alone together in our home we tuck you into bed swaddled with our love, hopes and dreams. I walk out of the nursery and then turn back to look in and I hear you sigh and I think it is well.
You are here. You are strong.
You may have begun your life with a struggle but you are destined to be a
Powerful Peace Maker
I know you will shape me and I feel blessed to have you in my life.